I’m at Beef O’Grady’s.
It’s next to the hotel. I’m in
the mood for ribs. I really don’t want
to drink Draino.
I still can’t eat red meat.
I chew and chew and chew and chew and chew… and chew. It still has a hard time going down. I feel like I’m ramming wadding down a musket. It goes in there pretty far, and then it
stops. I don’t feel like I’m
choking. I can breathe. When it happens I wish I couldn't.
I was in Boise a few weeks ago. I ordered a full rack of ribs. I knew I could only eat one or two ribs. I wanted to take the rest back to the hotel
so I could eat ribs for the rest of my stay.
The ribs arrive. I start eating
one rib. They’re tender. I’m chewing like a professional. I’m chewing to win the championship.
I finish one-half of one rib. It tastes good. It is sitting compactly between my wind pipe
and my stomach. It hurts. I’m feigning interest in the football game on
the big screen. Ten minutes, twenty
minutes, still stuck. The waitress sees
only a half eaten rib. She stops by, “Is
everything OK?” Me, “I’m fine, I’m just
a slow eater.” I’m a liar too. I decide that water is good. I drink a couple of sips. I sprint to the men’s room! Where is the !@#$% men’s room?!?!?! I’m in the stall. The water is coming back up. Efficient recycling. The food is still stuck. My constant retching reassures the other
customers, “Get the ribs… retttccchhhhh… they’re really good retttccchhhhh…”
I give up. I stumble
back to my table. A half eaten rib and a
greenish man bring the waitress over. Me, “The ribs are great. Can I get a to-go
box?” They barely fit in the carton. I
pay and stagger back to my hotel. Two
hours later I drink a quart of Draino. I
don’t mind the lye burns. I feel better.
I went to bed that night with ribs stuck next to my
ribs. I guess they finally made their
way through. I could eat the next
morning. I ate Pero and Vitamin
Water. I don’t have to chew them as
much.
I’ve learned how to be a good vomiter. I can usually get things cleaned out really
quick. The ribs were tender and
tasty and made of Velcro. Maybe my body wanted me to enjoy
the ribs all evening by bringing up small pieces every few minutes.
