The Hospital Stay Part 2 - August 23, 2011
I’m still catheterized. My nurse is impressed with my urine production. I guess she has to be a fan of something. I’d think she’d be more impressed with figure skating, or wrestling, or even NASCAR. From the way she comes in and checks on it, you’d think I was producing gold.
The nurse is here to give me another catheter.
I’m still catheterized. My nurse is impressed with my urine production. I guess she has to be a fan of something. I’d think she’d be more impressed with figure skating, or wrestling, or even NASCAR. From the way she comes in and checks on it, you’d think I was producing gold.
They brought me breakfast this morning. I don’t know why people complain about hospital food, my breakfast was awesome! They gave me an ounce of beef broth and one ounce of sugar free Jello. To make it even better, it wasn’t called Jello, it was called gelatin surprise or something similar. My biggest surprise is that it didn’t have shredded carrots.
Yesterday, my wife brought me my laptop, my iPod, my cell phone, a big screen HD TV, a Dolby surround sound home theater, and 120 blu-ray discs. All of the stuff just sits there unused. All I can do is nothing. I just lay there like a slug. I leave a trail of slime whenever I move.
Actually, I’ve been able to get up, drag my IV stand around, and do a few laps around the nurses’ station. My hospital gown is blood stained. My wife wants me to change into a clean gown, but I think the blood looks pretty cool. If anyone asks, I put on my most serious expression and tell them the blood is from gunshot wounds. Then I tell them about the miracle surgery and how the Doctor saved my life. This story seems to cheer them up.
Speaking of cheering up, the Doctor said I can be released at 6 PM today. I’m really looking forward to getting the staples out of my incisions, and the drain out of my side. The drain is more uncomfortable than the catheter (which is saying a lot).
Just before lunchtime, the nurse comes in removes my catheter. Ahhhhhh sweet relief. At this point, I don’t care about the humiliation, I’m just glad to be free. No more collection bag by the side of my bed. I feel bad for the nurse though. Either she’s going to have to catheterize someone else or pick up a new hobby.
My lunch was terrific; the chefs in the hospital kitchen really went overboard to please me. This time they give me an ounce of beef broth and one ounce of different colored Jello… um… gelatin surprise.
Shortly after lunch, the nurse walks in and takes away my Morphine. Just like that. Morphine was such a good friend. I knew how to push its button; it knew how to relieve my pain. Parting is such sweet sorrow. But, I think it for the best. A co-dependent relationship developing and I’m just not at a point in my life where I want that. The nurse is going to start giving me liquid Lortab. One dose of liquid Lortab is essentially a meal for me. I like it though; it gives me an excuse to skip dinner (an ounce of beef broth and an ounce of gelatin surprise).
At this point, I don’t care what they do. I’m going home in a few hours. Then I’ll sleep for three days in my own comfortable bed. There’s just a minor problem… I still can’t go. Since they removed the catheter, I still haven’t been able to go on my own. I’m not concerned; my total fluid intake for the day so far is two ounces of broth. How could I go? There’s nothing in there.
My wife is here to take me home! She’s rounding up the nurse to do what he needs to do so I can be released. Stupid nurse. He insists that I NEED to “go” before I can go. I can’t go, I’m empty, right? No, I’m not empty because I’VE HAD THE STUPID IV DRIPPING FLUID INTO MY BODY ALL DAY!
I’m in the bathroom begging my bladder to please wake up. I feel like I’m in a movie where the main character has died, and I’m holding him saying, “Please, please wake up. Please.” My bladder is being a jerk! Finally from just the pressure of an extremely full bladder I’m able to get out about three drops. And that’s it. It won’t work, I can’t make it work, which means that I can’t go home and I’m going to be stuck in the hospital forever living off of beef broth and gelatin and I’m going to get so sick of it all that I’m going to start raiding the other patients rooms and possibly have to turn to cannibalism to survive!!!
I’m pretty depressed because cannibalism really isn’t my thing. It may work for others, but I’ve never really been able to get into it. But, I soon realize I had life pretty good. In walks the nurse, she’s got a package in her hand. Inside the package is……….. Auuuuuggggghhhhhhh!!! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
The nurse is here to give me another catheter.
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