I've Had The Blessing, Now Pull The Drain

The Hospital Stay Part 3 - August 24, 2011

My dignity is gone, and so are my teeth. I completely lost my dignity during the catheterization yesterday. I lost my teeth while gnawing through the metal bed rails while getting the second catheter. I thought the first one hurt, but no, it was a just a little introductory pain. I think the nurse could have used a power drill with a large bit and not inflicted more pain this time around.

I'm not happy. I'm mad. Mad at myself for choosing this, mad at the nurse for doing her job, mad at the bed for being uncomfortable, mad at the walls because they're ugly, mad at the door because it's latch is loud, mad at the lights, mad at the ceiling, the carpet, the window, mad, mad, mad!

I'm lying there in my four-star bed and my in-laws and their neighbor walk in. My father-in-law says he's there to give me a priesthood blessing. I'm too mad to feel anything spiritual. But I don't tell him this. My father-in-law and his neighbor give me a blessing. I'm grateful for it, but I'm in such a foul mood that I really don't have much faith that it will help. My in-laws and their neighbor wish me the best and leave.

My nurse tells me if I'm really good, I can get the catheter out at 6 AM. It is 9 PM and 6 AM is about three months away. It's going to be another long night. I'm watching some program about alien invasions and viruses. I can't sleep, but I can't seem to keep my attention fully on the TV program. I do remember at one point people would start shaking all over and then their eyes would explode. I'm praying my whole body explodes. Maybe I should watch an infomercial instead.

The nurse comes in at 4 AM. She tells me that my urine looks great, like a fine white wine. I've never tasted white wine, but if it tastes like urine I don't see why people make such a fuss over it. I can actually feel my bladder working again, so I beg the nurse to take out the catheter. It's two hours early, but there's no one there to catch us. She agrees! I'm free once again, although she does say something about going and burning and blood, but I don't care. Now I'm going every five minutes. Not because I have to, but because I'm like a kid with a new toy.

I can call it coincidence, or normal recovery from anesthesia, or luck, or whatever. But, I think it was the priesthood blessing that got things working right. I appreciate my wife for calling her father. I appreciate my father-in-law rounding up another priesthood holder and giving me a blessing. I'm fortunate to be surrounded by such good people.

I'm finally asleep. It's been a long time since sleeping. Someone is poking me in the back. LEAVE ME ALONE!!! It's morning now. 7 AM. My surgeon is here, he poked me awake. He's apologizing for the bladder troubles. He says, "Sometimes it just has a hard time waking up..." I think every Dr should experience the same pain as their patient, so I jump out of bed and tackle him to the ground!! I yell, "NURSE! BRING THE CATHETER!!!" The nurse doesn't cooperate. I learn whose side she's really on. The Dr remains unharmed.

The Dr says I can go home around noon. I ask if I can go home RIGHT NOW?!?! He says, "OK, you can have an early checkout, but we don't want you to feel like we're kicking you out." Kicking me out? Oh man! I'm so excited to get home. I’ll be ready to go in five minutes. These nurses and aides know me a little too intimately now. I want to get as far away from them as possible.

My wife arrives and I'm ready to go, more than ready to go. The nurse is off talking to someone about TV studios in the other room. I need to nurse to take out my IV, my drain, and my incision staples. He's still goofing off. Now I'm bouncing on the bed and screaming, "LET ME GO!!" Finally he comes in. First he pulls out the staples. They look like wide office staples. It doesn't hurt, or maybe it does but my threshold for pain is a hundred times higher. Now comes the best part of the whole hospital stay. He's removing the drain. He unpicks the stitches around the drain incision. He disconnects the plastic toy hand grenade. He says, "Take a deep breath." I take a deep breath. He quickly pulls a thousand yards of plastic tubing out of my abdomen. I don't scream, I just start twitching and shaking violently. My eyeballs explode.

Actually, He pulls out about one foot of surgical tubing. It was one of the weirdest things I've ever felt. I imagined I was undergoing a medieval execution. I was being disemboweled before being drawn and quartered.

He puts surgical tape over my incisions and gives me instructions to leave them alone and they'll come off "naturally" in about three weeks. They'll end up coming off much, much sooner.

Now I’m in a wheelchair, the nurse’s aide is pushing me toward the elevator. She's an average-sized woman. I'm still a pretty big boy. I know I can walk, but it's "policy" to be wheeled to the car. I feel a little embarrassed. I wish I was still wearing my bloody hospital gown. Then I’d look like I deserve a ride in a wheelchair. Instead, I’m wearing a ‘Bass Pro-Shop’ t-shirt, shorts, and sandals. I look homeless. I’ve felt homeless for a couple of days.

Now I’m in the car and we’re headed home.